Missing the great ‘parenting’ opportunity!
Till about a few months ago, when life used to be a ‘different’ life, my daughters aged 8 and 10 knew I was home by the way I used to ring the bell. I distinctly remember that they used to fight to be the first to open the door for me. Smiles, hugs and high fives were the passwords that allowed me in with usual “How was your day?” greetings. Till about one fine day, when everything just came to a sudden screeching halt.
I was always possessed with a feeling of underlying guilt that I had very little time to give to my children, because I always wanted to achieve more for them through my professional engagements. It was common for me to console myself by reiterating to myself that the time that I spend working long hours in the office was only to give them a life full of many things that they wanted or may be many more that I thought they wanted. I say this keeping at bay that my Sundays are entirely dedicated to them and we spend about 2–3 weeks of vacation time every year visiting theme parks, strolling beaches and lying idle. All of that always seemed still far from the amount of time that I wanted to give them.
The start of the sudden lockdown provided me a reason and an opportunity to wash some of that guilt off my conscience. I always wanted to do that. Give them more time, more attention and more of what they thought they wanted from me and not just what I thought was good for them. The first few weeks say about 5–6 were extremely satisfying. We played stupid games that we devised on our own and spent so much more time with each other over meals, books, dance sessions and some arguments. Life was all of a sudden compensating me for what I have missed. As more time passed and their school started to engage them through online sessions, I felt that the package seemed ideal for their growth and development. Some learning time in school plus a lot of fun time with daddy and mommy. The fact that they were now spending some school-time as well gave me, a little bit of time that I needed to catch up with work and my own self. Little did I realize that 3 months from then, one day my younger one would come to me and ask me “When would you give us more time?” I felt as if I had hit the wall running at my best pace.
Parenting for me has always been a process of constant flux and evolution. Giving time was an important part of being a good parent. But, a few extra and ‘unprepared’ months of that parenting time had subconsciously left me with little creativity of what I wanted to do next with that time. I felt like someone who had been granted the wish of owning a Ferrari but didn’t have the license to drive it. A powerful vehicle lay parked in my garage getting rusty and dusty with every passing minute. I am not sure if I am the only one who feels that way because I don’t have anyone else around me who would echo my thoughts. My wife has always spent so much more time with my daughters that she doesn’t really feel the transition.
As situation eased and I joined back office, coming back home on the first day my elder one called to ask what time will I be home. I felt as if lightning had struck me again. I didn’t realize that 6 months of ‘great parenting time’ was finally over. The opportunity that I always wanted was gone because I didn’t know how best to use it. It is not something that I grumble about on a routine basis, but as I go back thinking in my mind about the first few weeks of disruption, I just feel I could have done so much more. Parenting is all about creativity and involvement and that is what I always thought I had in plenty. This time, however, I am not sure if I was right!
